Dear lovely peeps,
I’ve been honing a particular skill recently. And by recently, I have to admit it may be more like ‘for an extended period of time’. This skill is one I am immensely talented at, and one which has in fact had more than merely a fleeting influence on my levels of joy and contentedness.
But not in the most positive of ways. And ‘honing’ is a verb. A doing word, as I recall. And I am pretty sure that this skill is built around the opposite of ‘doing’.
That’s what I’ve been ‘busy’ with. In spades. If ‘doing’ is the right way of explaining such dallying. Because really it’s more like ‘not doing’. Putting off. Dawdling. Deferring. Plain old ignoring in some cases.
And now, lovely friends, the universe seems to be getting on my case about this. It’s actually quite annoying, as procrastination is comfortable and the status quo is easy. In fact, it’s pretty damn good. Am I happy? Indeed I am. I have a life with love and laughter, a job I enjoy, a tribe of the best friends a girl could possibly ask for. Those dearest to me by-and-large have their health and happiness too, so overall I’ve got it good, and I know I am far luckier than so many people.
Am I content? Well, this is a different question. And it’s also where the procrastination comes in. I’m content in that my life is very comfortable, and for that I am very grateful. And for me, contentedness is a great space for procrastination. Because things are good. They’re fine. The basics are well covered, all is ticking over as it should. There isn’t really much extrinsic pressure to make any changes, nor is it expected.
And, quite frankly, my rather passive approach to my own life is beginning to annoy me. I’ve got an attitude towards my attitude going on.
It’s actually amazing how busy you can keep yourself when you’re trying to avoid things. Or feelings. Or thoughts. It’s particularly useful when it comes to decisions. Because surely one can’t be expected to make choices which will then lead to changes when one is in fact just so blindingly busy. There simply isn’t time to commit, nor is there space in such a busy life for more. Between the usual household to-dos and work and friends and family and social media and TV and bubbly wine and the like, well, hours can so easily turn to days. Which then become weeks, which in turn become months. And then, before you know it, it’s been years. Years, I say!
Eugh, I have the heebie-jeebies just thinking about it.
The above-mentioned contentedness implies, to me, a measure of fulfilment and satisfaction with where one is at and what might be available. And this isn’t in any way a bad thing. Our lives are built on tiny moments and not every choice or every action has to propel us onwards and upwards. Sometimes steady and stable is the most beautiful state.
Except when it’s not. And over the past few months, while I have been sitting pretty in my steady life and getting on with The Usual, I’ve also been getting a bit antsy. A bit unsettled. And a bit more aware of options and opportunities.
It started out with a few small signs. Some random conversations. An article or two that caught my eye in the roaring waterfall of information and media we are constantly hammered by. A few more of those up-to-this-point-twee-quotes-on-pretty-backgrounds-which-now-seem-relevant popping up on my Instafeed. A nagging feeling that it was OK to start paying a bit more attention.
Once that nagging got itself noticed, what started out as small little indications that maybe the time is coming to branch out, be a little braver, shine a little brighter, began turning in to big wildly illuminated neon signs – and you might know how much I do like a bit of the neon.
The neon has taken the form of some unexpected words of wisdom spoken in accidental encounters. It’s taken the discovery that there are more than a few ways to use the same set of skills, and that there is an incredible group of people out in the world starting off on paths pretty much where I am now. And some further along the path of change and discovery who are blazing trails which are lighting up some pretty spectacular options.
I know this is all a little waffly and non-specific. I’m still finding the words to express what I am looking for and how I’m going to get there. But the sparks of excitement and the butterflies of anticipation are back. Actually, more than back – more than ever before.
So the time is right to address my chronic stalling. I even stalled the un-stalling, in fact, right until now. But I’m just going to start with the simple steps. Start writing again. Start talking. Start seeing, and start celebrating. Start reading and colouring and exploring. Get back in the gym, and out in the air. In to the yoga class and on to the seminars. And this post is my first .
There are a few amazing women who are inspiring me every day with the way they’re showing up on their own new paths, and I hope they know how much I admire and appreciate them. The Trudie’s and Karli’s and Naomi’s and Tarryne’s of the world are making it brighter for everyone, and this glow is lighting up some incredibly exciting pathways all over the proverbial show. I hope one day to do the same for someone else, and in the meantime this is my public way of trying to get out of my own way and stop putting off the awesomeness.
That is all. You are all lovely.