Writing this, I am listening to a song on repeat. It came up on my playlist and threw me in to a maelstrom of emotions, and once again writing some random thoughts down seems to be the only thing that might help me make some sense of this frenzy of feelings.
I have written before about the incredible circle of friends I am blessed to have. We are connected through love and laughter, tears and truths. We are scattered around the country and around the world, but distance is irrelevant when souls are involved. And now one of our own is hurting. Hurting so badly that I don’t know that she believes she’ll ever not feel this agony and emptiness.
She did not ask for this torment. She did not and does not deserve it. This situation is someone else’s making. It’s not new damage, but the knife that she’d built up scar tissue around to protect herself has just been sharply twisted. We all knew this would come one day, but none of us, least of all her, was prepared for the fallout.
She’s now in a new world, one where her personal nightmare is no longer on earth to taunt her simply by existing while she has felt she’s only been able to live half a life because of his actions. Yet his exit does not magically make her whole again, and the compass points in this new world have yet to be calibrated.
Waiting helplessly and witnessing pain so visceral is a disorienting experience. Humans are conditioned to act. To help. To fix. But this isn’t that sort of situation. And not being able to repair or rush or distract leaves us feeling impotent. The rest of us look to each other for support and direction, none of us knowing what will help but needing to do something. Anything. Whatever it takes to let her know we are here. And that’s really all we can do at the moment. Nothing but time and love will make these emotions fade. Talking will help, and listening might be the only thing we can offer, but not yet. Right now is about surviving.
I am caught up in anger. I feel such a burning ball of fury at the injustice and despair. At the weaknesses of humans and the destruction of faith and hope. That a person can cause such harm and damage to another, and that others can stand by and not speak up, makes me want to cry. My rational brain tries to justify their complicity, telling me that they were victims too, that they were protecting themselves, and that relationships and families are complicated. But I can’t accept these excuses. Evil does take human form, and monsters do live amongst us.
But evil can only do its worst in the shadows, and the brightness of love is our most powerful weapon against the pitch-black nights.
So we are holding the lantern for our soul sister, keeping the light burning in the darkness so that she can make her way forward, one small step at a time. We will walk just a step behind her, shoulder to shoulder, to catch her if she stumbles. We can’t walk ahead of her; she has to forge her path through this nightmare herself. But she is not alone. And when she comes out the other side, nothing will ever be stronger than her spirit.
To my beautiful girl, I can only offer trite words. The lyrics of this tune are swirling in my head, and to my ear they are written about you. You may not believe you’ll be OK, but we believe in you. Always and forever.
Warrior, warrior, reach out for the light. Your strength is your sword, tempered through the fire. Battle the night, and let love conquer the darkness.